Real Life Stories

“In 2023, I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes, the mother of a toddler, a teacher and wife of a highly immunosuppressed husband. All of these things had their challenges, but the biggest was navigating them all from the shadows of a towering, sinister presence that loomed over me every day: trauma. 

In 2021, when my first daughter was seven months old, my husband fell critically ill and was days from death (aged 32) when he received emergency, life-saving surgery. When all this was unfolding, people would say things like “You’re so strong”, “How do you keep going?” and I had many offers of kindness and support. Of course, there’s no choice in that scenario to not cope and (less obviously) my body froze my emotions to allow me to just put one foot in front of the other. The surgery was just the beginning really, as the following year was full of bumps in the road, numerous hospital stays for my husband and lots of “coping” on my own. The surgery also meant a life of immunosuppressive medication: a troubling prospect amid a pandemic. 

 In December 2022 when normality was almost restored, the shadow of trauma rather suddenly engulfed me, to the point where I could no longer do my job. Suddenly my students felt threatening, driving felt threatening, a minor disagreement with my husband felt threatening. I got signed off work for a few weeks, took some medication and referred myself for counselling through the NHS. Adjustments were made for me at work and the counselling gave me some strategies to challenge my negative thoughts. Things got a little better, but after becoming pregnant, the world felt very dangerous again.  My six sessions of counselling on the phone were over and, if I’m honest, I was a bit relieved about that: I was going through the motions and saying the right things,  but it felt like wallpapering over some rather obvious cracks. I went to one of my midwife appointments and burst into uncontrollable tears. I needed more help. 

As my midwife had predicted, I was rejected for help from the perinatal mental health team: I was not a danger to myself.  On the contrary – I was obsessed with safety. My midwife gently suggested I contact Bounce. I’d heard about Bounce in connection with students at my school who had struggled mentally. I did as I was told, but also felt a little bit sceptical: would this mean more wallpapering? I had an email conversation with the referrals manager, Wendy and decided I couldn’t really afford the contribution they were after. 

Thank goodness I was not dismissed at that point: Wendy contacted me again and we had a long chat on the phone about my issues and discussed what I could afford to pay.  I was going to be on maternity leave from my part-time position: the worst off I’d been financially since being a student. There was going to be a little wait and I’d probably have to begin after the baby was born: sixteen sessions, in person. Actually- I thought – that doesn’t sound like wallpapering: I quietly hoped the structural damage might have a chance of being dealt with. 

I had my first appointment when my second baby girl was 8 weeks old.  I was struggling with the idea of getting myself to therapy without a car and about whether my baby would allow me to participate in therapy fully. I almost called it off because I imagined myself crying over my own baby crying and not being able to communicate, while also feeling embarrassed. Thankfully, I decided to just see how it went.  

The therapy I had received before felt like I was being interviewed and then nodding along with suggestions. This was different. I quickly realised that I was not going to be interviewed or be subject to a kind of scripted course of treatment. It was strange at first, but I just started talking. Inevitably, l had to explain what I felt had led me to that point and that was emotional. I knew it would mean acknowledging the looming, sinister “thing” that followed me around. Together, we established that it was a kind of haunting, twisted tree and that, although the recent trauma was very raw and making itself felt, there had been multiple incidents and relationships that came before my husband’s surgery, much earlier in my life, that were part of that “tree of doom”. The therapy I have participated in (not “received” or “had”) has not only explored this stuff and helped me understand my response to it but given me tools that have helped me manage my feelings and relationships in a way that feels healthier, enabling me to make the most of my life. I was living a life where I was constantly trying to control and fix everything to prevent all kinds of potential suffering. I was punishing myself for every “close call” or “oversight” and all these “hazards” stuck in the background while I was busy preventing the next one. Meanwhile, insecurities from my childhood and other dysfunctional relationships were playing out in my marriage that I was clinging onto desperately, having almost had it ripped away from me.  

Participating in therapy with my BOUNCE! therapist, Anna has helped me to understand my feelings in relation to my past and manage them in the present. I see my relationships differently and feel equipped to nurture them with less frustration and fear to hinder them. I’m experiencing the world differently and life is no longer about fighting death. It’s a work in progress but work I’m excited and inspired by: I’ve been able to apply what I’ve learned week-by-week, building up my resources and realising what I need to draw on in various contexts. These tools will be with me forever and have/will benefit my husband, my daughters and others that I am close to. I feel incredibly lucky to have had access to such a high-quality experience. I can’t recommend it enough!

Contrary to my fears about bringing my newborn to therapy, the team at Bounce were incredibly supportive. Anna made sure I was comfortable and had what I needed, even in emergencies (!) Sometimes my response to my baby was rather revealing in the process and helped us along – that is part of Anna’s flexible, sensitive and personalised approach. I was not diagnosed and treated, but listened to and facilitated in a holistic way that suited my needs. I feel positive and well-equipped to move forward, even excited about what comes next.”

– BOUNCE! client